If you were diagnosed with ADHD late in life, you have likely become adept at masking or concealing your symptoms because you felt it helped you fit in or better meet expectations. For many of us, this masking started in childhood and has become second nature, leading to an identity crisis when you get diagnosed. If your diagnosis led you to the realization that you have spent years, or even decades, hiding the ADHD traits you didn’t even know you had, you might find yourself asking, have I been suppressing my true nature my whole life? 

This is what happened to me. I went to get tested for ADHD after helping my son navigate his symptoms and learning a lot about how it impacted his life. I knew that 90% of people with ADHD have at least one parent who also has it. So, I went thinking, maybe I have the inattentive type. I am a calm person, I don’t speak without consideration for what I’m going to say, and I like to have my ducks in a row. 

So, when the psychologist told me I fidgeted, I was surprised. She said I play with my hair and move around in my seat. She asked if I curled my toes. I was doing it as she asked the question! Do you have an inner restlessness? My whole life. Do you have the urge to interrupt people because they aren’t talking fast enough for you? Constantly. She diagnosed me with the hyperactive type of ADHD. I was floored. She went on to explain that I had likely been masking my symptoms my whole life, a trait that is also aligned with being a perfectionist. 

What might your masking look like?

•                Being quiet or extra careful about what you say 

•                Perfectionism: Setting unrealistically high standards for yourself and focusing on your flaws instead of your accomplishments

•                Chronic Exhaustion: Feeling mentally and emotionally drained from the effort of maintaining your 'mask' in social and professional settings.

•                Identity Confusion: Struggling to distinguish between your true preferences and behaviours that are a result of masking.

•                Suppressing fidgeting, which could result in a feeling of inner restlessness.

Understanding Masking

Masking involves suppressing ADHD symptoms to blend in with peers, meet expectations, or avoid stigma. While this can be a useful short-term strategy, over time, it can lead to emotional exhaustion, anxiety, and a disconnection from your true self.

Essentially you are hiding aspects of your authentic self to present yourself in a way that you deem acceptable. When you do this, you are operating under limiting beliefs[kd3]  about what is acceptable in terms of how you show up in the world. An example of limiting beliefs could be, that I won’t be liked if I speak out and say something stupid. I won’t be taken seriously if I don’t dress a certain way. I must get high grades to be successful and liked by the teachers. The message you tell yourself is, I am not good enough as I am, so I must hide my true nature.

Don’t underestimate how traumatic it can be to learn that you have been masking. If you feel unsettled after your diagnosis, seek out a well-trained, certified ADHD coach to help you better understand yourself and guide you towards unravelling the masking. 

Steps to Discovering Your True Self:

Don’t worry, there are many ways to begin the process of unmasking and move forward with a more confident sense of self. Once you've identified that you've been masking, the journey to letting go of some of these behaviours begins. 

1. Reflect on Your Past

Take time to reflect on your past experiences and behaviours. Consider moments when you felt genuinely yourself versus times when you felt you were putting on a mask.

Try journaling and writing about different phases of your life, noting when you felt most authentic and when you were masking. Talk to friends or family, especially those who know you well and might offer insights into when they felt you were being genuine versus when you seemed to be masking.

2. Identify Your Strengths and Interests

Understanding your strengths and interests can help you reconnect with your true self. What activities make you lose track of time? What topics do you feel passionate about?

Personality and Strengths Assessment tools like the Via Character Strengths test can provide insights into your natural tendencies and preferences. Reflect on hobbies you enjoyed as a child or activities that you feel drawn to now. Re-engage with these interests to explore a connection with your more authentic self.

3. Practice Self-Compassion

Being kind to yourself is essential in the process of unmasking. Understand that masking is a coping mechanism and that it’s okay to take time to rediscover who you are.

4. Seek Professional Support

Working with an ADHD coach can provide you with strategies and support in your journey. It’s also important to have support to help you identify the cause of your inner restlessness and your tendency towards perfectionism. 

Unmasking and developing the courage to show up as you are, is a journey that takes time, patience, and self-compassion. By reflecting on your past, identifying your strengths, setting boundaries, and seeking support, you can begin to let go of masking and move forward with confidence.